WHAT MEN REALLY WANT
Tom Sykes, 34, is a writer and journalist. He lives in Co. Carlow with his wife and their two children
THIS Valentine's Day, we'd like it if, just for one day 'I'll be ready in five minutes' meant that you'd be ready in approximately 300 seconds, as opposed to half an hour.
We don't mind if you're not going to be ready for half an hour. All that we ask is that in that case you say, 'Hey, I won't be ready for half an hour.' If you really wanted to make our day you could say, 'I won't be ready for 40 minutes,' and then be (gasp) early!
We'd like it if your telephone conversations with your friends could be more closely modelled on ours, i.e. 'Hi. Point to be made. Bye,' rather than, 'Hi. Discussion of everybody you know and some you don't lasting over an hour. Point. Bye.'
We'd be delighted to receive any of the following items as a gift; a pair of trainers, a warm hat/scarf/gloves or a multi-pack of thick cotton socks. Contrary to popular opinion we love multipacks of thick cotton socks. A man can never have too many pairs of thick cotton socks. But we hate thin nylon socks. Did we stress they need to be thick cotton socks?
Newsflash: Ties are something we wear to the office. They do not make good love tokens. You might as well buy us a mouse mat.
Please don't buy us anything fashionable. We hate fashion.
If you're buying us a book, think non-fiction. Lives of explorers, footballers, murderers, drug addicts and prostitutes make a good starting point.
If you're buying us a DVD, any gangster movie with Robert De Niro or Al Pacino is a safe bet.
Whatever you buy us, don't put it on the joint credit card. There's something distressing about going all gooey about our new cordless drill set and then seeing it on the statement. Pull out cash instead, even if it's from the same account.
In fact, we'd like it if you could take charge of all the accounts, bank statements and bills from now on. Numbers and receipts make us panic. Just give us 50 quid at the weekend if we've been good boys and everyone will be happy.
Men are simple creatures. Like dogs, we can be trained to do almost anything with food. The best training tools are pasta, roast beef and any custard-based dessert.
One thing we can't do is shopping. Please never send us to the shops again unless it is for something we understand. Like milk. Sorry we bought that crate of honey pomelos instead of grapefruits. What the hell are honey pomelos anyway?
On the subject of childcare, the situation is thus: unaided we can look after one child for 12 hours, two children for six hours and three children for three minutes. We'd rather face the entire Irish rugby team than look after four children. But we can do kids' breakfasts. As long as it's Cheerios. And if you would like us to drive anywhere, anywhere at all, just let us know.
We are also good at the following: doing the bins, getting in logs, unblocking drains, mowing the lawn, making coffee, barbecues, booking flights on the internet, creating assault courses for the children in the sitting room.
More notes on shopping: please remember to get rashers, eggs and OJ for us to cook for your surprise Valentine's Day breakfast. Please pretend you like the surprise breakfast we make you, even if the eggs won't set and you are quietly feeding the bacon to the dog/kids. Hey, at least we didn't screw up the OJ right? What do you mean we should have shaken the carton?
Please be patient with us. The entire left side of your brain is reserved for complicated things like emotions, diplomacy and human interaction, but God left ours empty so we could fill it with important data like football scores and mind maps of the country's major routes. Please remember that we really, really love you. We're sorry if sometimes we forget to show you that. But this year, it's going to be different. We promise.
Happy Valentine's day..
WHAT WOMEN REALLY WANT
Niamh O'Dea, 26, is a style editor and journalist. Originally from Cork, she lives in Dublin with her boyfriend
1. DIAMONDS ...obviously
2. CHOCOLATES No matter how sparkly the diamond, how red the roses or how multi-coursed the dinner, don't forget the chocolates.
Since time began, February 14 has been a day when even the most hard-core New Year's resolutionkeeping gym goers have cast aside their cocoa-ban and re-established their friendship with the Ferrero Rocher. This is down to the fact that chocolate has negative calories on Valentine's Day; a well known fact that should be ignored at your peril.
By all means, be creative; a Milk Tray-man style parachute through the window or a Lindor-hunt would be great. As too would be a ten minutes alone with a caterer's chocolate fountain, but to be fair, you could empty a truckload of Cadbury's fun-packs into a trough and most of us would be secretly happy.
3. A HOME-COOKED DINNER...
Even if it is cooked by someone else. Just don't take us out on Valentine's night. By crossing the threshold of a restaurant on V-Day, you are entering into a canoodling contest with the other diners where you must gaze, laugh and nuzzle competitively instead of actually eating.
Chances are the fella on the right will pop the question to his ecstatic girlfriend while the older couple on the left will bicker bitterly about the soup, making the whole event utterly joyless. Do the right thing and order a takeaway with a few bottles of sparkling plonk. Bliss.
4. A SIDE ORDER OF CHEESE
For all our cynicism, there is still something very sweet about a day where adults can give each other red fluffy-wuffy teddy-bears and heart-shaped helium balloons without a hint of irony.
Unleash your inner schmaltz and overdo the day -- rose petal bath, candle-lit poetry reading and your own version of sickeningly romantic songs where you slot her name awkwardly into the lyrics.
No matter how much she laughs, points and records it for YouTube, you'll know she secretly loves it.
5. A GIFT VOUCHER
Look, we appreciate the thought, but when it comes to undies, men tend not to get it quite right.
Maybe it's because we are notoriously precious when it comes to our smalls, casting aside a perfectly nice bra because it's a shade or two off and scowling because you didn't remember the exact type of boyfriend shorts/shorties/hipster shape that we prefer.
Or maybe -- just maybe -- it is because you think 'two firm oranges' qualifies as a bra size, always buy tiny thongs and are an active supporter of red lace. Just save everyone's time and give us a voucher.
6. OUR MARITAL STATUS TO REMAIN THE SAME
Please don't propose to us on Valentine's Day. It's not romantic, it's not original and it's not genuine. But worst of all, we will have to join a queue of other newly-engaged couples to tell our friends/family/ colleagues and battle with other fiancees to make our engagement seem more special.
7. A WEEKEND AWAY
No, not a smoocher in Paris, a girly weekend in Galway. Any man who understands how important our girlfriends are and how sane we feel after spending a proper amount of time with them is a keeper.
Rent out a cheap apartment somewhere far from home and watch her melt when you tell her the plans. A word of warning, though: You will lose points if you send her away on V-Day, obviously.
8. DECENT JEWELLERY
Chances are you know nothing about jewellery, so just stick to the James Bond rule -- Diamonds Are Forever. If you want to buy her a bracelet, by all means do, but avoid those terrible 'Forever' or 'Love' emblazoned trinkets that she will be too embarrassed to wear, even on Valentine's. Chances are, she has already hinted at what she really wants -- just try to remember which word she's been mentioning weirdly often for the last month.
9. A ROMANTIC FILM
Forget Sleepless In Seattle and Jerry Maguire, there have been no genuinely moving films made since Ghost. Do a little bit of research and surprise us with a truly touching film instead of moaning about Tom Hanks. Extra points for subtitles.
10. LOW EXPECTATIONS
You can hint, ask and beg all you want -- the fact is, you will be lucky to receive a hastily-scribbled card. This is a day when women are allowed to put their legs up and their hands out. It doesn't matter what Tom Hanks says -- this is a day for us, and you better believe our expectations are high..
